It’s so hard to find what I want inside. I wanted to hide from the bitterness of the cold, the frozen tundra in my mind. It’s intricately part of who I am. Trying to run away from the mountain peaks, the snow drifts, the red wind-stricken cheeks, the dry skin from the cold air that falls upon me as I watch the sun rise over the horizon of glaciers.
I am and have always been mesmerized with the distance of blue. Rebecca Solnit describes the distant of blue in her book “A Field Guide to Getting Lost,” as the want for something that is not there. You can see it in the distance, the air particles casting a hue of blue in the distance. It could be a town, a mountain, something on the horizon, but once you reach the destination, you find that the place you were seeing was not real. It is the emotion that can never be explained. It is the place where you can never go. Places you will never arrive at. I see the future that seems so bright and full of meaning and when I live through it, it just seems so mundane and not how I thought it would be.
But then there is how I feel about it afterwards. Because I have left that place, that time, that moment, it is now again in the distance of blue.
The snow was always a pain, a loneliness that blanketed the Earth and all who tried to travel through it would be blocked by it’s silence. But now I long for those quiet moments in the silence of the falling snow. The warmth of the inside. The closed in emotions that are released in a starry chilled night drive when you can see the entire sky opening up, the pressure of the daytime clouds dispersing. And I miss it dearly.
I don’t think moving any particular place will solve my problem regarding the distance of blue. The hues of blue will always be where I am not. I think the solution is within. But I am scared. It is within my passion for writing. I am scared of what I will sacrifice, what it will take to learn and master the craft, how I will learn to connect people to my writing. Writing is not an easy task when doing it well. To do it well, you must be able to transport your audience to that moment and engage all senses so they will feel and understand the meaning of your words.
The distance of blue is what attracts me to traveling, and sometimes I forget how vast the travel within the mind can be. I can be anywhere I want to be in my mind. Those who cannot think like a child will have a hard time. The people who have been hit so hard with reality that they cannot imagine their inner world. I don’t want to forget about my inner world. That is where memories and imagination is skewed, travel is possible, and from where the greatest inspirations grow from. The next step is writing those inspirations down.